Bring lots of water.

No, seriously, lots and lots of water. More than you can carry. You're likely to get mugged for it within seconds anyway, so don't worry about it slowing you down.

If you see a really hot brunette, she's either a humourless but noble bounty hunter who might help you, a romantically confused TV journalist who will almost certainly help you, or an icy royal who will have you shot for looking at her. Might be best to avoid hot brunettes just in case.

As a rule of thumb, the more nondescript and friendly they seem, the more likely it is they will sentence you to death. And if they have a weird floaty tall man nearby, it's probably too late to even make a run for it. You're done.

If for any reason you find yourself in serious need of cash (or 'drem'), go celetroph hunting. They look exactly like scorpions, and live in old tree trunks. Just keep sticking your hand into trees until a) you get rich, b) you die a quick yet painful death, c) the Verdans inprison you for molesting their trees.

If someone random buys you a cup of Velisium tea, try to get rid of it as discreetly as possible so as not to cause offence – otherwise you're likely to be found wandering around with your trousers down telling Patriot guards that you love them, man.

Bring chocolate. They don't have any of their own on Mongo, so use it to trade, and try not to gobble it all down in a moment of weakness.

If someone asks you to be their 'bondmate', it doesn't mean they want to watch Casino Royale with you. Find the nearest exit route and run, don't walk, away. Unless they're really really sexy. Then what the hell.

If you stumble across a little village of attractive yet aloof women wearing lots of beads and stuff, and you're a woman – it's all good. They'll probably help. If you're a man - get the heck out there, dude! Go! Go! Go!

You're almost certainly going to be thrown into jail at some point. Fear not! It's surprisingly easy to break out. People do it all the time. Keep an eye out for a big blonde chap and follow him – as a bonus he'll probably lead you back to Earth, too.